“I feel as if I have been fighting exhaustion this week. Nine-hour sleeps are not enough. The alarm sounds and it seems as if I had just crawled into bed. After morning chores I find myself hitting the couch for a catnap that ends up in a sound sleep. As well as tired, I am grumpy. The old witch has returned. Sometimes my anger boils over so quickly that I leave the room wondering if that was really me. I have a short temper, am tired and irritable. A million things keep floating around in my mind, but leave quickly before I can write them down. My house is a mess. I’m living for the weekends. I am depressed. I don’t know why. I don’t have an excuse. What am I doing wrong? I start my day with an inspirational prayer. I read from the Bible each day. I listen to Christian music. I pray with my children at meals and at bedtime. What am I doing wrong? What am I doing wrong that I must suffer this debilitating depression that robs me of energy and destroys self-worth? I’ve felt this way for too long. What can possibly be depressing me and even more importantly why can’t I lift myself out of it?”
As a new Christian, I expected that by doing all the “right” things I would not fall victim to depression. However, since writing that journal entry, God has revealed to me that it’s not in doing but in being that I can find peace. I learned that I couldn’t do it alone. I had to rely on Him each and every day. It is not enough to just learn about God, I had to spend time with Him. For someone like me who is a doer it was a hard lesson to learn. I had to sit still long enough to spend time being with God. Not reading or studying but just being quiet. All of the above was good, but I learned it is not enough. I had to quit talking and start listening. I had to find God in the quiet and stillness of my heart.